Thursday, September 30, 2010

Ramblings of Young (actually Middle Aged) Woman

Sometimes I think I am just totally abnormal. Strange, quirky, eccentric, name it.

Sometimes I feel young and sometimes I feel old. Today i feel younger. My hair is all curled, I have minimal makeup, and am about to put in my contacts. Sometimes i look back and wish I was 27 again, about to give birth to my first child, and about to celebrate my 28th birthday. I want to get the opportunity to raise them again and relive those moments, just with the wisdom i have now instead of the ignorance I had then. Maybe I am having a midlife crisis. The crisis is that I am having a LOT of difficulty dealing with my kids growing up, and with me growing older. Time is so short with kids...and then there is the aging. It happens, but I don't like the rate at which it happens. I know I am nearing the end of childbearing years and that saddens me even though I probably won't have any more babies.. Notice I said probably ;) ! 40 used to seem fairly old to me--after all I was 18 when my mom turned 40. Now here I am at 40, and I think looking pretty good and I know I feel really good, but my oldest is barely 12. That is good. But I am still 40, and getting older, wiser than I was in the past, yet I still feel like a 20 year old inside. Weird.

I do not regret staying home with the kids. I definitely do not regret homeschooling and I pray that continues through graduation for all of them. I do not regret my choice of husband. I do not regret becoming a Christian. BUT, i do regret the time I wasted on useless stuff, and the times I could have played with the kids but chose to sew or quilt or talk to friends on the phone, and I regret the times I was an "in-your-face, my way is more righteous" kind of Christian. Those people are so hard to stomach--and I used to be one! Shame on me and I apologize to everyone I offended. I regret wasting money on useless material things, and not saving enough, and giving in to my sinful side. But the things of the past can't be changed, so onward I go, trying to be better each day, messing up along the way. With some grace it won't adversely affect my children ro my relationships. And hopefully my impact on the future will be bringing glory to God.
I like being behind the scenes, doing what I do, most days. I like who I am, most days. I love my life, most days. I guess I am sort of normal after all...whatever that means.

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